Currently Listening Easy Tiger By Ryan Adams two see related

so i was nervous for no reason. it went off really well, and i will always be nervous beforehand, but i think that trainings/working with kids is something i am really called to do. now if only i can find a full time job that allows me to do that and pays.

on top of doing well at coordinating for the training, i also felt like a pseudo-coordinator for kait and paul's wedding. between bachelorette partying and doing peoples hair and makeup and just trying to help out with little chores, i think i did pretty well. the wedding was awesome. it was definately great to see. it was awesome to see paul again too, especially since he is pretty much my brother and i haven't seen him in about 2 years. the sad thing is i think it will be about that long before i will see him (and his wife) again. but with all the different events and the fact that five people were sharing one shower (which i woke up early to take the first one each morning) i am pretty exhausted. plus, while we were gone, my brother in law jeremey had an ulcer that ruptured and basically burned up all of his insides. after emergency surgery he was in the icu for about 3 days and now he is doing better but still at the hospital. i can't really describe how scary it was, or just how serious and dangerous his condition is. it was horrible being away from him when it happened, and perhaps even worse not being able to help out my mother in law, who i think i could have been useful for. she was so exhausted and drained when i saw her on sunday when we got back.

in other news, my shoulder surgery is tomorrow. i am not really nervous anymore, but i am kinda stressed about the recovery part. i tried to get all the errands i could think of done these past two days, but i realized this afternoon i didn't get my books for school yet. i did do all my laundry, grocery shopping, cleaned the whole house (so i can rest well tomorrow), and i wrote a couple thank you notes and applied for a new passport since i lost mine. i think the worst thing about the surgery may be that i can't drive for a month. driving by myself is so cathartic, and having that kind of independence taken away will be tough too. anyways, i hope it all goes well, and that i am not too miserable after.

so, in about an hour and a half, i have to leave to go lead a training all by myself! i am super duper nervous. since i have only done one before anyways, i don't really feel prepared to lead one. the worst part about it is that i was kinda tricked into it. my professor said "hey leslie, do you want to do a training with me for teenagers from cyprus?" and after i said yes she said "will you be here on august 1 and 2" to which i replied yes, then she said "oh great, because i will be out of town so i will need you to lead the second training." in the back of my mind all i could think was oh shit oh shit oh shit. that and how much i hate this professor. i would have backed out but i really think that the training is important and that the kids desereve to know some of this stuff. and, of course, since said professor is out of town, there has been a major crisis because the turkish cypriot kids got delayed in an airport for 2 days so the schedule has gone to shit! instead of 6 hours, i have to cut it down to 3... which would be a lot easier if i had some help! but so anyways, the kids last time were really cool, and i am sure this new batch will be just as great. the program itself is pretty awesome. they bring teenagers from cyprus together and do leadership trainings and some cool mountain stuff. it is really awesome to see how kids from two sides of a pretty intense conflict zone can come together and become friends and decide to change the system. it is really important for me to feel like i have given them a new way to look at conflict and to give them new tools to change the world. anyways, like i said, i am super duper nervous. like, i feel a little nautious nervous.

in other news, i am having shoulder surgery after i get back from paul and kaitlin's wedding in ny. i have a partially torn labrum and a stretched out glenoid. the surgery is arthroscopic, but apparantly it will hurt a lot and keep me out of commission for some time. i won't be able to use my arm at all for 2 weeks, won't be able to drive for a month, and probably won't have normal strength and function for about 6 months. also, when they tighten my glenoid, it will permanantly reduce my range of motion. this freaks me out a lot. especially since it is my right shoulder and i am right handed. i also have never had a surgery as major as this. the only other one i had was to repair a nerve in my hand, and i was only in a soft cast for about 2 weeks after that one. the things that are running  through my head are: will i able able to sleep at all? will i be able to wear a bra? if so, how will i get a bra on? in fact, how will i get any shirt on? will someone have to help me to the bathroom? how will i be able to keep my hair out of my face? does john know how to put hair in a ponytail? will i be able to shave my armpits? (yes, this is actually a concern) will i be able to read or will it be too hard with just one hand? i am really really nervous about the pain afterwards too. my pain tolerance is not high, and since i can't take oral painkillers without puking (this even include tylenol), i will have a nerve block and a pain patch thing. it is just scary though because it is not like oral medicine where you can take more if you need to. the only thing i do know is that the video store is going to be kept busy because i plan on watching a whole lot of movies. it is also nice that my dad is retired because he might just have to become my chaffeur once classes start and i can't drive myself to school. gah. scary. this is really long, and i am going to go prepare some more for my training. wish me luck!

I have had a really fun summer, with the downfall only being the shoulder issue (which I find out more today when I go to another doctors appointment). Here is the recap: Camping twice (bear sighting and freakout only once), Mallory and Katherine visiting and going to Keystone and doing the Coors tour of course, Swimming at the O'Rourke's and lots of hanging out at the Tiki Bar and making pizzas in the Pizza oven, Watching Dazed and Confused on the big screen at Red Rocks, Going to City Park Jazz Festival and the African American Heritage Festival, Went to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival, Watched good portions of the French Open and Wimbledon, and last night John and I filled up my car at a Kwik-e-Mart (which would have been a lot cooler if a crazy lady didn't come up to us and a fight wasn't about to break out inside).

We still have a lot more planned too, including: Getting our backyard finished, Going to Films on Filmore in Cherry Creek, Going camping with both families, Going to the Renaissance Festival with Herwig and Wolfgang, Going to the Drive in, and before summer is out we are determined to go to Water World to hang out with all the fat and sunburned people in Denver while riding some sweet water slides. Hopefully we can fit it all in!

Rep. Tom Tancredo, R-Colorado
"I can only offer my thoughts and prayers to those kids, their family and friends at Virginia Tech today. This senseless violence cannot be justified nor the motives of the monster who committed it ever be fully understood. This is a dark day in our history as the lives of so many promising young kids have been cut short by a disturbed and evil person. From experiencing our own tragic event (Tancredo's district includes Columbine High School) whose anniversary is only a few days away, I can say with some encouragement that in time, wounds do heal." (Issued statement)

What a f-ing prick. I wasn't going to comment on the shootings because I did that last time and it didn't make me feel any different. But I am so embaraased that Tancredo is my representative. He is a bigot and an asshole. The only good out of running for president is that hopefully someone will replace him in Colorado. His language is so disgusting. He makes the killer a monster which makes events like this even worse for people who survive them. Instead of trying to understand what makes someone lose it and destroy lives, we simply call them monsters because then they are not like us and there is nothing we are responsible for. Focault was on to something. Why is nobody asking why so many kids have died inside schools? Why is nobody asking why our communities are creating and/or ignoring people who need help. All school shooters either tell somebody or leave signs about what is going to happen. Why do we continue to ignor them? The worse part is that violence begets violence and now there are even more people who have been subjected to trauma. I pray people get the help they need to survive this. And not just tomorrow or this week, but years from now when they still dream it and live it over and over.

and there are some wounds that never heal.

Currently Listening Infinity on High By Fall Out Boy see related

There has kinda been a lot going on in my life lately. The biggest and most controversial is that I have applied for an internship in Israel for the summer. It is pretty much the ideal thing for me. I would be working in the West Bank with Palestinean women and teaching leadership skills, empowerment and non-violent techniques so that these women who are so effected by the violence around them can make a difference to stop it. This is pretty much my dream job, not to mention John may be able to go work for them in land development stuff and get his expenses paid for. It doesn't really get any better than that in my eyes. It does in my families though. My parents don't want me to go because they think it isn't safe. My dad particularly doesn't like it. He doesn't understand why I can't do the same thing here. This led to a huge blow out fight with my sister too. We are still trying to recover from the aftermath of that one. The thing is, I'm not scared to go. I don't want to not do important things because it might not be 100% safe. I don't want to take for granted that I live in a safe place. Other people deserve that too. And if I can help them then I should. I also think that these people need help, and I shouldn't be afraid to help them. My dad doesn't think I have enough direction about what I want to do so he doesn't think it is worth going. But I do have some direction even though it is not certainty about how I want that to translate into a job. But I think Restorative Justice is critical. I  believe in it and want to make it work. It is what I want to do with my life. I believe in Levinas when he says ethical action is primordial to ontology. If I am not responding to the call of others, than I am not truly being. The biggest issue for me is that it is hard for me to go against my parents wishes. Is it right to help people at the expense of worrying other people including John and my family? Am I being selfish or are they or are we all?

In other news, it snowed again. This is the 8th out of 9 straight weeks that it has snowed here. It is ridiculous. I am not complaining this week though because tonight the O'Rourke clan is all going to the Florida Keys. Thank God. Warm weather here we come. Here is the picture in my head. Fishing on the boat, laying on the beach, drinking tropical drinks, and spending time with my family. Sound like heaven to you, 'casue it does to me. The only thing bad about it is that I may blind people because I am so pale from the cold winter here. Oh well. I am so ready to not have to wear layers and socks and gloves. I am ready to not always have goose bumps and a cold nose.

Ok, I have to go shower so I can go to a meeting about being a volunteer at this cool conference on post-trauma recovery next weekend. I am excited! It should be really fun and also very informative. I like being surrounded by really smart people. Loooong post.